Resolución.

My visa arrived today (YAY!!!), and with this comes a startling revelation: This is really happening. I know that I keep saying that, but it is really slamming home the realization that in one week I am moving to another country. I will be in a different part of the earth, with no family or friends, and I will have to make it on my own. This is not the first time I have moved away from home, but the fact that I am going to freaking EUROPE just terrifies me.

I know that I have every reason to be happy, and I am. I am just also shaking at the thought of getting on a plane that will take me away from my mother, my cat, my city, etc. I am trying to research everything I can think of before I go, and take care of every piece of business that I need to deal with before I get on the plane.

It is a lot of work, it is a lot to deal with. Surreal as it is, it is coming FAST. I need to mentally prepare myself, but there is a part of me that just wants to scream. I just have this feeling of panic, or nerves. Am I ready for this?

Well I know one thing: I'd better GET ready. The last two months have consisted of me getting ready to make this move. I have given up my job, my apartment, my current life for this. It is the chance and opportunity of a lifetime, and I knew that when I applied. I applied knowing that if I got into the program, I would accept the position. Still, there is a part of me that keeps screaming: "What the fuck are you doing!?" The short answer? I am following my heart. I am being (extremely) selfish for once. I always do my best to help others. It is time to do something for myself.

Call me crazy, irresponsible, whatever. It's a done deal. In one week, I will be landing in Madrid, Spain. This is the most impulsive thing I have ever done. Everything is about to change. Even though I am afraid, I chalk it up to nerves. Ever since I knew there was a world out there, I have wanted to see it. I have dreamed of this, cried (Oh God, how I cried) over this, and felt frustration at not being able to go where I wanted. I have worked up disappointed that I was not in the place I just dreamed of, and at one point this year I actually said out loud that the only way I would see Europe was in a box. Funny what people say when they are at wit's end.

I think the reason this is so surreal is that I really believed that things like this do not happen to regular people like me. For most of my life I have felt unremarkable, and accepted that my life just was not as exciting as others. In dealing with this for the last two months, I have learned a bit more about myself, and how awesome and dear my friends and family truly are. I know who supports me, and who does not.

Some have said that by taking this position, I am running from my problems. The thing is, what problems I had will be waiting when I get back, won't they? I am not one to run from issues. I take care of what I need to, and leave nothing unresolved. My legs may shake, but I will walk onto that plane. I will learn how to get to my hostel. I will do what I need to do, and I will survive. I always do. If nothing else, I come home in 6-7 months with a truckload of stories. Or I find a way to make my stay in Spain more permanent.

I wanted someone to tell me that I can do this, but I already know that I am more than capable of handling this. If I need help, I will ask. I will finally see the world. I will finally immerse myself in the places I have only read about. On Friday, December 27th, I will get on that plane. I will meet new people, and make new friends. I will change my life and maybe, just maybe, I will find my new home.

So once again: Am I ready for this?

Yes. I am.



Cross-posted to my Livejournal.